Desperate for Love? Who, me?
I can see now how desperate for love I was. For many years I was so desperate that I wasn’t even aware of my desperation. I thought I was being proactive with my dating ha ha ha.
Let me start from the beginning.
Since my teens, I had felt a big void inside of me. I felt lonely and incomplete. I believed this hole could only be filled by romantic love with a man who loved me. I deeply believed this fantasy would fulfil all my needs and make me feel complete as a person.
When I decided to come to the UK 16 years ago, I arrived here with one big dream – to find The One. I was determined (read desperate!) to find someone. My life felt empty. I had no friends in the UK. I had a crap job. I wanted to be happy and to feel loved. Most of all, I wanted to be rescued.
I thought everything would be fine if I only had my man…
At that time, my self-esteem was non-existent. I didn’t have a clue what self-love was even though I thought I did. I had no boundaries around men or dating. As a result, I made my romantic choices from a place of fear and desperation. You can imagine how this affected my love life!!!
I started my adventure with online dating. I had fun meeting many men from different countries. Every date filled me with the hope that my fairy-tale would materialise. Occasionally, I’d see someone for a while. But with such low self-esteem, I very often ended up with unsuitable men: men who were not ready to commit or prepared to take responsibility within the relationship. I took all the responsibility upon myself and after a few months I felt completely burnt out.
After each break-up, I was quickly back on the dating scene, desperately looking for my Mr. Right.
Again I found myself flicking through tons of online profiles, interacting with hundreds of men, only to meet a handful of them and realising we had nothing in common.
I was stuck in this cycle for years: failed relationship after failed relationship, break-up after break-up, endless dating, feeling miserable and unhappy, worthless and unlovable.
It was frustrating spending so much time online, going through all those profiles, building up my hopes, only to be disappointed or rejected. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Besides that, being ghosted regularly wasn’t fun at all!
I was left feeling drained. I felt like an epic failure.
I envied all these beautiful women around me who had men at their feet. It seemed to me that they had something I didn’t to attract a man. I felt fundamentally flawed and I didn’t have what it takes to find and keep a man.
In the process, I lost my faith in love and fairy-tales. I was convinced that true love would never happen to me. Being desperate for love finally led me to a place where I entirely gave up on love.
In my next blog post, I will tell you what had happened in my life after I had given up on love. You can read it HERE.